Funny stories about things that can go wrong at Christmas time.
We were so proud. The turkey was stuffed and ready for the brand-new designer oven. I asked my husband to turn it on. We went tobogganing, secure in the knowledge the turkey would be ready upon our return. The house was fragrant with roasting turkey when we arrived back. I prepared the roast potatoes and vegetables and settled down for a drink. One of the children wandered into the kitchen and casually pointed out the oven had its automatic lock on. It had been set to self-clean and there was no way to stop it. We watched the turkey turn into coal. We ate potatoes, sprouts, chestnuts and fried eggs.
I brought a homemade sweet-orange cream liqueur and poured the cooled liquid into a beautiful vintage glass bottle, which I decorated with a festive ribbon and some jingle bells. Unfortunately, I had filled it to the brim before sealing it and storing it in the fridge. Come Christmas Eve supper, my bottle joined several others on the kitchen table. As the meal was in full swing, an earth-shattering explosion stopped everyone in their tracks. As the alcohol warmed to room temperature, it expanded and shattered the bottle. The jingle bells had shot to the far side of the room and there was sticky orange liqueur covering every surface: worktops, hanging colanders, ceiling, light fixtures, vertical blinds, floor, shelves of recipe books. It was everywhere and mixed in with the syrup were thousands of shards of glass. I spent all that Christmas – and, indeed, Boxing Day – cleaning up the mess.
Dont eat the pink meat
Consider the size of your oven when you purchase a turkey. It needs to be large enough to feed guests, but not so big you can’t cook it thoroughly. A few years back, 12 of my 14 guests had severe food poisoning. The two who didn’t get sick were vegetarians. The following year, I received three meat thermometers as Christmas presents.
Grandpa on fire
We had finished dinner and were trying to balance spoons on our noses. Grandpa called us over to take a photo. It was only then that I noticed the reflection of flames in the window behind him. He’d backed into the candles and his shirt had ignited. I screamed ‘GRANDPA’S ON FIRE!’ My grandmother managed to put it out just in time, but not without leaving a huge hole in the back of his suit.
a little tumble
In 2017, a Littleton, Colorado man fell only six feet from a ladder while installing Christmas lights. Glen Elvenholl was taken to the emergency room after breaking his leg and dislocating his ankle. Making this Christmas light disaster a little better, however, is the fact that the firefighters stayed and finished installing his lights for him after loading him into the ambulance. While six feet doesn’t seem very high, falls from between 6 and 15 feet accounted for 25% of all fatal falls in 2013. Even a minor fall can cause major injury.
Ugly Christmas Tree
The cat had an obsession with the Christmas tree. The entire holiday season, it was a miserable job to keep the cat out of the tree. Thankfully, it was Christmas Eve, and the tree would be coming down soon. However, it was then that the oversized barn cat decided it was time to wage war. Unfortunately, the tree stand wasn't up to the added weight of the voluptuous tomcat. It came crashing to the ground with a thunderous boom.
Upon hearing the resounding crash, the entire family woke. The living room looked like a Christmas wasteland, with ornaments rolling under the couch and the tree crushing presents. The cat slinked away under the radar to pick needles out of his fur. Bobby, the youngest, looked up at his mother in wonder.
"Dad was right, Mom. Santa thought your Christmas tree was ugly too."
Unfortunate Christmas Cookies
Two weeks before Christmas, four-year-old Christy found out she was allergic to gluten. Christmas Eve has been packed with activities. With no time to get Christmas cookies, her mom picked up some gluten-free ones at the store. That way, Christy would be able to have a snack too.
That night Christy's father ate one of the leftover Santa cookies. It went down the wrong tube on the last bite, and he choked for a few minutes. Thinking nothing of it, the parents went to bed. That morning was full of fun and opening presents. The family was sitting down to breakfast with their new toys when Christy looked at her gluten-free toast with a sad look.
"Mom, I think I should send Santa a sorry note."
"Why?" her mother asked curiously.
"I heard him gagging on the cookies last night."
Like father, like son
One evening I arrived home from work to find the lights out. My wife had prepared a lovely candlelit dinner and our two young sons, Garett and Seldon, were dressed in their suits.
“Hey,” I joked, “didn’t we pay our hydro bill?”
A few months later, during the Christmas Eve candlelit procession, the church was packed and silent when Garett asked, “Hey, Dad, did they not pay their hydro bill, too?”
When my niece was a student, her class of six-year-olds sang “Hark, the Herald Angels Sing” at a Christmas concert. The line “God and sinners reconciled” was a tricky one for this age group.
One little boy, with a voice that completely drowned out the rest of the choir, happily belted out, “God and sinners dressed in style!” —Jessie Robertson, Williams Lake, B.C.
Last Christmas, grandpa was feeling his age and found that shopping for Christmas gifts had become too difficult. So he decided to send checks to everyone instead.
In each card he wrote, "Buy your own present!" and mailed them early.
He enjoyed the usual flurry of family festivities, and it was only after the holiday that he noticed that he had received very few cards in return. Puzzled over this, he went into his study, intending to write a couple of his relatives and ask what had happened. It was then, as he cleared off his cluttered desk that he got his answer. Under a stack of papers, he was horrified to find the gift checks which he had forgotten to enclose with the cards.
A Sign of the Times
As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?" The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"